The Dean of Alumni Relations for Staten Island’s Wagner College (Salvatore Bagodonuts) reluctantly acknowledged Kim Jong-un will attend the Class of 2006’s 15-year reunion.
“We had no clue Mr. Kim attended our college. He just blended in with all the other whack stuff here on the Island,” said Mr. Bagodonuts. “Unfortunately, our bylaws don’t let us prevent dictator graduates from attending reunion festivities on campus. We’re looking at changing that.”
Mr. Kim allegedly attended Wagner from 2002 to 2006. He enrolled under the alias of “Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander.”
“It’s not unusual for students to have unique names here in the NY metro area,” Mr. Bagodonuts explained. “One class had graduates with the legal names, ‘Super Fresh DJ Joey’ and ‘Princess Maria Tiffany Mercedes.”
Kim’s father, the equally bat-crazy tyrant Kim Jung-il, had confirmed the junior despot attended a Western university to “learn the ways of the capitalist pig dogs.” Official records show “The Marshall” majored in Theme Park Design with a minor in Western Thermonuclear Weapon Technology. He graduated in 2006 with a 1.28 GPA. Further review shows the “Supreme Leader” played the power forward position on the Wagner Seahawks basketball team. Being only 5’ 7” made Mr. Kim a long shot for this position, but he quickly ascended to the role when six of the original starters mysteriously disappeared or hastily disenrolled from the college. North Korean state records claim Kim scored 26,000 points while NCAA records show he didn’t play one game and was “pantsed” during a critical playoff game.
Fellow alum say “Peerless Leader” was a generous and jovial man who would often throw outrageous Pokemon-themed dorm parties. Wagner maintenance officials claim he left with an outstanding $46,000 dorm repair bill.
When he wasn’t destroying campus property or plotting the overthrow of western civilization, “Great Sun of the Nation” would be seen cruising Bay Street and Hylan Blvd in heavily armored vehicles—not an unusual sight on the Island. Many local bagel shops and bowling alleys claim they had to forcefully eject “Invincible and Triumphant General” from their premises well after closing hours.
It’s common knowledge “Dear Respected Comrade Leader” was addicted to Ralph’s Famous Italian Ices & Ice Cream shops. It’s rumored the stuff is like crack for him and he has an exact replica of the Port Richmond shop in his basement run by a kidnapped assistant manager. “Great Defender” would religiously stop at that shop after his intramural Quidditch matches. Teammates say he was obsessed with getting his broom to really fly. Intelligence specialists believe his military’s inability to make this happen caused the “great purge of 2004.” At least 3,000 military technologists were either executed or died attempting to unsuccessfully produce the flying broom.
Some say “World Leader of the 21st Century” chose Wagner because of its strategic value, being perched on a hill overlooking the other four boroughs. But those close to him know he chose it because he couldn’t get enough of the kiddie rides at the nearby South Beach Amusement Park.
The “Great Leader” claims credit for many achievements and social phenomenon while in the US, like the Macarena dance, casting and producing the Jersey Shore show, building Disney World, inventing the bro fist bump, which he claims was stolen by Pitbull, and many others. He is quoted as saying, “You’re welcome, you evil pig-dog swine.”
KCNA, North Korea’s only news agency, reports that the “Guiding Sun Ray” plans to organize a basketball pickup game during his stay. They have already announced he “will triumphantly have a quadruple triple game.” KCNA also reports “Father of the People” will correct the “Glorious Leader’s” GPA to correctly show 5.77. The Dean of Student Records could not be reached for comment as he is temporarily under federal protection.
A final statement from KCNA claims that the “Wise Leader” will unanimously win the Reunion Homecoming King title. Preparations are already underway to resurrect the South Beach Amusement Park for “Beloved Father’s” victory parade and party.
All Ralph’s Famous Italian Ices & Ice Cream shops will be in lockdown for Mr. Kim’s visit.
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