I recently visited my father-in-law, Bill. At 83, he was showing his age. His decline from Parkinson’s had accelerated with dementia making words harder to find and thoughts tougher to follow. Bill and Kaye (my mother-in-law) have been in their retirement home for 15 years. It’s a one-level home they designed so they can age

Have you ever been at your wits’ end trying to get your children to behave or do simple tasks? My Dad Discipline Program has the tools to help you coerce your offspring into obedience. Here are just a few of my scientifically proven methods that will have your children writhing in despair or cringing with

We have made first contact with human beings and completed our two-week reconnaissance mission at a Sheetz convenience and refueling station. In light of our findings, we strongly urge cancelling the planned invasion of earth. Here is a summary of our tactics, observations and recommendations The Sheetz station is a great source of intel. Phil,

American products have lost their durable edge! I hope our national effort to Build Back Better returns American products to their mantle of rugged supremacy.   I recently came home to a dishwasher whose door was mangled and held closed by duct tape. It looked like the machine was hit by a truck, after being dropped

Reasons to move Superbowl LV to Raymond James Stadium in Tampa My long-range plan is to win Super Bowl LIII, dump Bill in 2020, then move to Tampa. Bill is getting even creepier. He reeks of Philly cheesesteaks and orange soda and won’t stop talking about Pokemon Go. He’s obsessed with it. Plus, Patriots fans

A few weeks ago, I passed a sign for the Liberty Science Center in Jersey City. A flashback from 15 years earlier clutched me. I broke into a cold sweat, my innards gurgled. I was reliving a horrible misjudgment in fast food choices and sensory deprivation that feeds my educational destination phobia to this day.

The Dean of Alumni Relations for Staten Island’s Wagner College (Salvatore Bagodonuts) reluctantly acknowledged Kim Jong-un will attend the Class of 2006’s 15-year reunion. “We had no clue Mr. Kim attended our college. He just blended in with all the other whack stuff here on the Island,” said Mr. Bagodonuts. “Unfortunately, our bylaws don’t let

Where are my skinny jeans? That’s pronounced “Shar-KOO-tuh-REE!” Could you pick me up a large musk oil and an extra-large hair gel? Do these camo pants make me look fat? Take this back. There’s way too much cheese on these nachos. Where are my opera glasses? No, they aren’t with my opera cloak! I just

It’s Saturday morning, and I’m trying to get the kids out the door to Grammy and Poppa’s. We’ve finally gotten Dan’s shoes on the correct feet, Tim found his jacket in the bottom of the LEGO bin, and Pete just finished his 30-minute shower. With the morning dramatics complete, it’s time to pile into the

TO: All Dismayed Airlines employees FROM: Customer Service and Legal Department SUBJECT: New predeparture safety announcement for California flights To avoid unnecessary delays and legal disputes, please read the following safety demo verbatim on all flights to and from California: Humans, service animals, metaphysical beings and all other carbon-based species. We’d like to welcome you

  **Apologies to NPR. I do enjoy some of your programing, but this article was just too easy to write** FROM THE NPR THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL BOOTH: A good evening to our honorable listeners and welcome to tonight’s athletic duel. Since this is our inaugural broadcast, I believe introductions are in order. I’m Spencer Archibald

  “Congratulations, you’ll love your new convertible. Just sign here…Mr. McDermott… Mr. McDermott…” said the car dealer. “Ah, sorry,” I responded. I was trading in my family minivan to buy my wife’s “new” pre-owned vehicle. During a lull, a torrent of family driving memories came to mind. I got back to the paperwork while Kate

  **Disclaimer** **Emotional Support and Service Animals are vital and absolutely necessary** **This is merely a parody of how some people are abusing the system** Ms. Clarise Clarise: “Thank you for letting us speak against the proposed restrictions on transporting our pets. Excuse me, I meant to say emotional support animals (ESAs). Having our furry

Does anyone remember how tortuously hot the summer of 1999 was? I do, because that July I took my nine-month-old (Dan) and four-year-old (Tim) to visit my mother in New York City. Unfortunately, mom’s AC unit was on the fritz. For two days I tried to keep the boys entertained in the blistering heat. They were

I just received another rejection letter from a literary agent. I could say I’m surprised and disappointed, but that’s not true. I actually feel relieved. After some serious soul searching, I’ve decided it’s best I’m not an adored author. Being an icon would be way too much work. If published, I’m sure my work would be

  Not monitoring your child’s TV viewing can wreak havoc on your plumbing! Trust me, I’m changing to a PBS-only household for my septic safety. What follows are a crime scene and after-action report that will explain. Day One: 2:32 pm: My lovely bride (Kathleen) was in the backyard chatting with our new neighbor (Laura).

**Another actual dream. I need to lay off the beer and fatty food before bed** In this dream, I was on a mission to a faraway planet, I think it was Mars. NASA had assembled the best and brightest, along with me and Kate, to explore the red planet. Our mission was to find signs

Perfectly located in the middle of nowhere, Altus AFB is used to train pilots on transport and tanker aircraft. In the fall of 1991, I was one of those pilots learning to fly the Lockheed C-141. One night, a few of us went downtown to a local watering hole. I think the place was named

I can’t believe my kids are already well into their twenties. It’s even harder to believe I’m now offering these sons adult advice. I can handle guidance about money, cars and other stuff, but relationship advice is terrifying. I think relationship mentoring is difficult because of my limited experience.  My only prior serious relationship  wasn’t

**A real dream. Not kidding** In this Guinness-clouded dreamscape, everyone was running amok, seeking shelter from an imminent disaster. No one knew what was about to happen, but everyone knew it was going to be bad. Many headed for underground shelters, fearing a huge meteor was headed toward us. Others believed an alien race was

I just got a new high-tech gadget and dutifully read the full manual. Go ahead and mock me for being so studious, but had I adopted my RFM (Read the Freakin Manual) policy years earlier, I’d have a lot more lodging options today.           About 15 years ago, I was on a Philly layover after

“Never change a CV boot with small children around.”  I know this adage doesn’t sound as relevant as “Never give yourself a haircut” or “Don’t fry bacon naked,” but I beg all parents to heed this advice. I didn’t several years ago and I’m still paying the price. You’re probably asking, “What the heck is a

This article was written over 15 years ago It seems as every other week we have a new superhero film in the theatres. As far as I’m concerned, these flicks are a lot of fluff compared to the superhuman powers residing at stately McDermott manor. Unknown to the citizens of Maryland, my three boys and

Yup, I was born and raised on Staten Island, and I’m proud of it! I have a belligerent tone because when I was growing up, I always heard Staten Island (“the forgotten borough”) was the Rodney Dangerfield of the city, “We got no respect.” I’ve been away for over three decades, but I still have

All mentioned bird encounters are based on actual events. I never thought it possible, but a doctorate student in Helsinki has accomplished the unthinkable. After four years of irregular bathing habits, too much ramen soup and absolutely no dates, a 30-year-old Finnish student has developed an app that can translate 265 bird languages. Why this

A bedraggled, middle-aged man drags his garbage can up from the curb. He’s wearing short, baggy jorts (homemade jean shorts) and a tank top t-shirt. Partway up the driveway, the denim fashionista starts to squat while emptying rain from his can. Your brain knows the hazard of him spreading his legs in such a revealing

***Here’s an oldy my Facebook-only followers haven’t seen. My last few posts haven’t reached a lot of you, so check out my site’s home page and be sure to subscribe for email delivery.*** This retail trend to make everything an “experience” is chapping my butt. All my familiar products and services have become personalized craft

Could you please decipher the meaning and significance of a recent dream? I’m not sure if it’s the result of an excessive BBQ dinner, a sign that I need immediate mental health counseling or if I just need to cancel my FX channel subscription. Please advise. In my dream, my family was being held hostage