WELCOME ABOARD, OR NOT: New Safety Demo PA for California Flights

TO: All Dismayed Airlines employees

FROM: Customer Service and Legal Department

SUBJECT: New predeparture safety announcement for California flights

To avoid unnecessary delays and legal disputes, please read the following safety demo verbatim on all flights to and from California:

Humans, service animals, metaphysical beings and all other carbon-based species. We’d like to welcome you aboard flight ### to ###. If you do not wish to be welcomed, we apologize and hope you feel the emotions that you, your therapist, yoga instructor and life coach view appropriate.

We ask that you put down your smartphone, cease all blathering about your latest diet or weekend in Monterey, and pay attention to the following safety and public service announcements.

Please be advised that if you are self-important, nouveau riche Silicon Valley trash, we do not know who you are and do not care to find out. If you were that important, you’d have your own plane. For those of you from the other side of the spectrum who are making your first trip “off the compound,” we promise we are not tracking your movements or reading your thoughts.

All passengers are required to comply with all posted signs and placards as well as crewmember instructions. This is only a ### minute flight, so you will not have time to complete a ballot initiative against these onerous rules.

The last three rows of economy are designated as safe zones. If anyone feels offended or threatened by a conversation overheard, a garment worn, or a mannerism endured, please feel free to retreat to this area. These rows are equipped with phones to counselors willing to listen to your incessant whining. Your emotional support dogs, peacocks, ferrets, sea lions, and other designated beings may join you in this area.

Electric scooters, Hoverboards, electric skateboards and Segways are not allowed on board. If you wish to move about the cabin, you’ll just have to hoof it a whole 20 yards.

For our onboard meal service, we are offering a choice of standard, vegan, vegetarian and ovo vegetarian. There are no avocado, kale, tofu, silkworm pupae or other really weird choices, and we do not have a juice bar or your favorite coffee shop onboard. For those of you clutching your boycott lists, the corporations that produced our meals and their carbon ratings are available in the Inflight magazine. The list of corporations that produced the Inflight magazine are, ironically, also in the Inflight magazine.

In the unlikely event of a water landing, please leave your surfboards, boogie boards and snorkels behind. Life vests are located underneath your seats. We realize these flotation devices may clash with your hyper trendy garb and cause you additional emotional stress during an evacuation. Because of this, we have markers and Bedazzling kits in each row, so you can personalize your life-saving device.

If we lose cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from overhead panels. These are not hookah devices, so please breathe normally and don’t rant to your seat neighbor about how ridiculous it is that “marijuana isn’t legal in all 37 states.”

Please now fasten your seatbelts. I know this may seem like an oppressive device, but even though your legislature may be gifted at enacting countless laws, the Laws of Physics are not under their control.

Thank you for your attention and we hope you enjoy or don’t enjoy our flight. Welcome aboard, or not.