THE NOT-SO-FANTASTIC FOUR: Me and My Sons Dishing Out Justice On Our Cul-De-Sac

This article was written over 15 years ago

It seems as every other week we have a new superhero film in the theatres. As far as I’m concerned, these flicks are a lot of fluff compared to the superhuman powers residing at stately McDermott manor. Unknown to the citizens of Maryland, my three boys and I form the Not-So-Fantastic Four. With our super-unique superpowers, we wait to spring into action should a super-crisis arise.

The Not-So-Fantastic Four’s (NSFF) powers are indisputable, what is open for debate is the practicality of our non-traditional superhero strengths. Our youngest son, Dan (age 5), is the “Milk Chucker.” At mealtime, Dan can accidentally knock a half-full cup of milk clear out of the kitchen and across the full length of the family room. Dan can also talk incessantly about his favorite action movies, effectively rendering others unconscious.  Another gift is his ability to live solely on Cocoa Pebbles and Fruit Roll Ups for weeks on end. I’m not sure if that can help with anticrime efforts. And for his final power, Dan claims to be the “Packaginator Man.” He runs around the house with his new athletic cup on the outside of his clothes. He believes he can deflect bullets with the device and treats us to simulated blocks, sound effects and all.  

Tim (age 8) is the “Gasman.” I know it’s not pretty, but the boy can pass a mighty wind at will. Everybody has to have a special skill. Both Tim and Dan can also argue and nag at each other so annoyingly that it drives any parent into an irrational hissy fit.

Pete (age 11) is the “Cellinator.” He can destroy any cell phone that his father buys him within a matter of seconds. I think he even disintegrated one by merely looking at it. Pete peaked early and has his teenage angst persona honed so perfectly it’s guaranteed to piss off any adult within a 100-yard radius. So we also got that going for us.

Lastly, there’s me, “The Toe.” Years ago, I had an ingrown toenail that refused to heal. After four surgeries, I’m now left with a ¼ inch shard of a toenail on my left great toe, hence my apprehension for wearing sandals. The one odd byproduct of this podiatry saga is my new toe enables me to sense weather fronts and magnetic north anywhere in the northern hemisphere. Oh, I can also eat huge amounts of raw cookie dough without getting sick. That has nothing to do with the toe.

At first, I wasn’t sure how we could capitalize on our powers alone, but one day I realized the synergy we could attain if we worked together in tight, matching spandex suits. Should a super-villain arise, Pete could start his teen eye rolling and griping, making the adult villain want to discipline the boy and lecture his parents. With the thug distracted, Pete would then pulverize his cell phone. This would cut the scoundrel off from the aid of his evil friends. While Pete does his dirty work, the Packaginator Man could provide cover from incoming rounds.

Next, Tim could pick a fight with Dan about who let our hamster get loose in the basement. The squabbling would annoy the perp to the point of his head exploding. If we don’t attain cranial detonation, Tim could then daze the evil doer with a flatulent so powerful teenage boys would be high fiving him for decades to come. Finally, Dan could go in for the knockout blow by chucking a half-full glass of milk at near supersonic speeds, taking the perp down for the count. I would then step in, pick a wedgie from my snug superhero suit, and use my toe to give a weather prediction and point to magnetic north. Heck, I know my powers are useless, but I’m the only one old enough to drive the team, so I want a cool matching superhero suit too.

So, citizens of Maryland, rest easy tonight, and in times of trouble keep your eyes on the horizon for a dented minivan that’s leaking oil and carrying the Not-So-Fantastic Four. I’ll be the one driving while munching on the cookie dough.

I guess I found a new power, my ability to super-embarrass my 3 adult sons.

Thanks again to Tim (Gasman) for the article art.