THE COURTSHIP OF DANNY’S FATHER: A Socially Awkward Dad’s Relationship Advice

I can’t believe my kids are already well into their twenties. It’s even harder to believe I’m now offering these sons adult advice. I can handle guidance about money, cars and other stuff, but relationship advice is terrifying.

I think relationship mentoring is difficult because of my limited experience.  My only prior serious relationship  wasn’t ideal. In my late teens, I dated a girl from my summer job. Driving home from our second date, she told me to take a less direct route because, “my fiancé hangs out on this street.”

 “Aaaaaah, excuse me,” was my response to this new information.

I then learned that the man who’d love to strangle me was 6’ 3” with size 12 shoes and had a black belt. “But that’s okay,” she went on, “I’m breaking up with him.”

Lucky for me, our relationship didn’t last. Flipper, the Bruce Lee understudy, came back, so I parted with “Miss Wonderful.”

My next relationship started in a less terrifying manner when a young lady took a liking to me at college. Winning the dorm’s Pajama Party Dance Contest in a revealing robe and Adidas high tops is probably what won her over. Because of my awkwardness, our courtship was stuttered at first. Kate was waiting for me to commit while I was still looking over my shoulder for size 12 boot prints. One day, she and a friend were visiting when I mentioned I was going jogging. Kate chimed in, “You’re going jogging, can I join you?”

Kate has always been a lovely lady, but she’s never had an athletic bone in her body. So, we were all surprised with her offer.

“Ah, sure. Meet me downstairs in 15 minutes.” I replied.

Looking back on it now, I can visualize her bursting into her dorm room exclaiming, “WHAT THE HECK IS JOGGING, AND WHAT’S THE MOST FASHIONABLE THING TO WEAR WHILE DOING IT?”

Fifteen minutes later, we were out front. I started to stretch. Kate looked at me like a dog watching TV. She eventually realized my odd body movements had something to do with that jogging thing. When that light went on, she tried to mimic me, but not very well. Her toe touches barely made it to her knees.

Once done with our “stretching” we set out. I could see from Kate’s gait she wasn’t a seasoned, or even coordinated, runner. Plus, she was talking nonstop and getting winded. I suggested we ease into our workout with some laps at the nearby track.  Kate agreed and continued chatting.

About one lap in, Kate was having trouble conversing while running. By the second lap, she was having trouble breathing, so I asked if she wanted to take a break.

With her speech choppy from gasping and wheezing, she said, “O- (gasp) – kay (gasp), I’ll (gasp) wait (gasp) here (long wheeze and productive coughing)” She then collapsed onto the bleachers.

With progressive circuits around the track, I saw Kate looking less strained. She was eventually able to stand upright and converse. I walked her back to the dorm and thanked her for the company. The next few days she was walking like Frankenstein because of her horribly cramped legs.

A few weeks later, a group of us were headed back to the dorm after a night out. I liked Kate a lot, but I was still clueless, terrified and awkward—the definition of Kevin. As we passed Kate’s floor, she said goodnight and got off the elevator. All my friends knew what was going on, but Sean was the only one willing to do something about it. He pushed, more like chucked, me out the elevator just as the doors were closing.

Kate heard me flailing into the hallway and turned around.

“Oh, hi Kevin, what’s up?”

Out of excuses, I said, “Ah, I was wondering if you wanted to have another drink.”

And that’s what we did. We started dating because of my forceful ejection from a cramped, poorly running dorm elevator.

Drawing from this deep relationship reservoir, I now give my sons the following advice:

1. If your significant other mentions the words fiancé or tae kwon do master, get the heck out of there.
2. If your prospective mate is willing to hack up a lung and have trouble climbing stairs for a few days to spend time with you, they probably like you. And if your friends think highly enough of that potential partner to chuck you out of an elevator, they’re probably a keeper.

Beyond that, my relationship advice is pretty thin. I leave that stuff up to my partner of 31 years, who hasn’t jogged since 1984.

PS Sean, thanks for the timely hurl.