NEW APP NOW LETS US TRANSLATE BIRD CONVERSATIONS. THOSE JERKS!

All mentioned bird encounters are based on actual events.

I never thought it possible, but a doctorate student in Helsinki has accomplished the unthinkable. After four years of irregular bathing habits, too much ramen soup and absolutely no dates, a 30-year-old Finnish student has developed an app that can translate 265 bird languages. Why this gentleman chose this as the capstone of his doctorate studies remains a mystery. What is no longer a mystery though is what birds are now saying.

With any breaking technology, there are often unpleasant consequences and startling truths revealed. This new app has shown me just how sophisticated, callous, and downright mean our little feathered friends can be. After using the app to translate several bird conversations, I’m shocked and offended at what these winged pooping machines have been saying about me. Below are transcripts of two bird conversations I taped in my backyard. The app can only capture one bird voice at a time, so you’ll only read one half of a conversation.

A Northern Cardinal:

“Yeah, I’m just hanging here in the McDermott’s crepe myrtle tree. Can you believe this humidity?”

“I know, I know, my feathers are just as frizzy. You’d think tight ass Kevin could put the lawn sprinkler on so we could get some relief. Look at him sitting there in his paint-stained cargo shorts. I bet Scrooge McDermott is counting his pennies on that ancient laptop he refuses to replace.”

“Yup, I think the Smithsonian has first dibs on the thing. Hey, is Hellen hosting bunko this month?”

“Great, I hope she makes that red mulberry tart again.”

“Me too. It tastes so good, but it gives me the trots the next day. Whenever that happens, I like to hang on the McDermott’s deck and let er rip. I love watching Kevin get all riled up. They had to throw out their bench cushion last time I ate that tort.”

Sound of an American Cardinal laughing its guts up.

“Yeah, and Pattie too!”

Can you believe that? All this time I thought they were tweeting gibberish. Now we know their true nature. Here goes another translation I got last week.

An American Robin:

“Can you believe old man McDermott thinks those stupid ass bird spikes will keep me from making a nest in his deck trellis? Who the hell does he think he’s messing with? We are American Robins, Turdus freakin Migratorius badasses.”

“Yeah, and remember the time I beat the hell out of that other robin on the front porch?”

“Really? You’re kidding me.”

“You should have let me know that other bird was just my reflection in the window. I had to go to the chiropractor for my neck.”

“That’s right, it was 5 am when I was doing it. I think the old fart threw a slipper at me!”

Sound of several robins laughing.

“Yeah, back to my nest. I keep coming back to build it in the same spot because of how territorial we are, yah know, and that dumbass keeps tearing it out. This whole nest tossing thing was chapping my ass. So when I heard Kevin had a Phoenix layover, I called my cousin Susie out there and told her to keep an eye out for him.”

“I don’t get it either. I don’t know why Susie moved out to Phoenix to shack up with Phil the pigeon. I know pigeons have a great sense of direction, but I find that whole neck twitching thing unsettling.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve seen lots of them eat cigarettes too. Anyway, turns out Susie saw Kevin walking around downtown and flew right into his huge Irish melon. She said he was backpedaling for at least 5 yards and almost wiped out.”

More sounds of American robins laughing.

Those are just two recordings. I couldn’t publish others because of the lewd and graphic language used. You think those mating calls are sweet and lyrical? Believe me, you don’t want to hear the translations.

This technology can be groundbreaking if we can adapt it to the rest of the animal world. I think the next subject should be the squirrel. Then I could keep them from gnawing on my deck. I know many might want the next translator to focus on the cat or dog language, but I think otherwise. I’m not sure we really want to know what cats are thinking. As for dogs, they probably only have five or six phrases, like: “I’m hungry,” “Please rub my belly,” “I know it’s REAL nasty, but I want to roll in it again,” and, when arguing amongst themselves, “Screw you buddy! I’m gonna kick your ass!”

An Enigma machine for the rest of the animal world may be decades away, but at least we now have a leg up on the fowl population. I intend to use that advantage during my next meeting with a bird named Susie in Phoenix.

A special thanks to Tim for the image artwork