Mr. Frosted Mini Wheat-Wanted for Attempted Murder. Is 21% of Your Daily Fiber Requirement Worth the Risk?

CHARGE:
Mr. Frosted Mini Wheat (aka “Sal the Stopper,” aka “Carlos the Clogger”) is wanted for the ATTEMPTED MURDER, by choking, of Kevin S. McDermott.
LAST KNOW WHEREABOUTS:
Was first seen in the Salt Lake City Sheraton gift shop. Kevin McDermott reports seeing the perp flee down his hotel room sink.
PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION:
Resembles a small, flattened bale of hay, with white frosting on one side.
ACCOMPLISSES:
Known to associate with Utz Sourdough Pretzel Nuggets. Mr. Nugget is wanted for choking Kevin McDermott in April of 2003. The Justice Department is investigating if RICO Act charges apply.
DESCRIPTION OF INCIDENT:
Mr. McDermott was enjoying a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats on 29 May 2021 in his Sheraton hotel room. Approximately halfway through his high-fiber breakfast, Mr. McDermott felt a clogging in his esophagus. Believing a sip of water could help the food along, Mr. McDermott took a full swig.
Mr. McDermott did not know Mr. Frosted Mini Wheat had organized a cabal of other minis to form a cement-like substance in his esophagus. This impervious gang of mini wheats caused that mouthful of water to back up in Mr. McDermott’s esophagus and close his epiglottis, thus sealing off his windpipe.
So, at 4:36 am, room 713 had a choking incident.
Unable to breathe, Mr. McDermott ran to his restroom. His body’s self-defense mechanism caused his stomach and chest muscles to violently spasm, attempting to clear Mr. Wheat from the airway.
Mr. McDermott’s digestive system was no match for the skilled assassin; Frosted and his evil henchmen held strong.
After ten seconds of spasming, Mr. McDermott looked in the mirror. His bugged eyes, red face and strained expression conveyed a dire situation. At that moment, Mr. McDermott visualized himself passing in that hotel bathroom. Wearing his tattered boxers and stained t-shirt with a half-eaten bowl of mini wheats mocking him from the other room was not the way he wanted to leave this earth.
Mr. McDermott rallied himself, “NOT TODAY! NOT HERE! NOT FROSTED MINI WHEATS!!!” and sprang to action as his oxygen deprived body convulsed and his vision grayed.
Mr. McDermott performed a series of Heimlich maneuvers. On his third attempt, a large volume of water, sprinkled with mini wheat bits, sprayed into the sink. His body involuntarily bolted erect and took the deepest gasp of its life. “HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” was heard two rooms away. The hotel front desk reported a call about that time asking, “What the hell is going on in room 713?”
Now able to breathe, Mr. McDermott took a second to compose himself. He felt the Mini Wheat gang still blocking his food pipe, but he thought they were weakened.
Mr. McDermott took another swig of water.
Not a good idea
Mr. McDermott repeated the episode described above.
Now wiser, he immediately did another Heimlich maneuver and resumed breathing functions. He witnessed a good part of Mr. Frosted Mini Wheat escape down the sink drain.
Mr. McDermott knew the cabal of 7 essential vitamins and minerals would not hold without its wily leader.  He took another sip. The perps dislodged and took the ride of shame to his small intestine.
CAUTION:
Mr. Frosted Mini Wheat may have a pleasant demeanor, but he is a conniving killer. His motives are unknown, but his means are lethal.
The perp is known to prey on people with Schatzki Rings and use his high fiber powers to strike meeting attendees with a violent, uncontrollable “urge.”
Please report any sightings of Mr. Frosted Mini Wheat to your local Breakfast Constable. His crime is punishable by a year of hard labor at the nearest Denny’s.

This story is dedicated to my brother-in-law, Mike, whose timely Heimlich dislodged a large chunk of T-bone steak from my 27-year-old son in a Wisconsin eating establishment.