I’M NOT SO EMOTIONAL ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL: Transcript of DOT Hearing on Emotional Support Animals

 

**Disclaimer**

**Emotional Support and Service Animals are vital and absolutely necessary**

**This is merely a parody of how some people are abusing the system**

Ms. Clarise Clarise: “Thank you for letting us speak against the proposed restrictions on transporting our pets. Excuse me, I meant to say emotional support animals (ESAs). Having our furry significant others constantly by our side is a basic human right stated in the Constitution. As you can see, we have broad support for our view.”

Ms. Clarise Clarise motions toward the audience. This is followed by applause and deafening sounds of dogs howling, a sea lion barking, a miniature horse neighing, a pig oinking, a chimpanzee violating a kangaroo and other unholy noises.

Steven Bradbury, Assistant Secretary DOT: “Order! Order, Please!”

Ms. Clarise Clarise: “We believe taking our ESAs on public transportation poses absolutely no problems. To prove our point, we chartered a bus to pick up many of these supporters during our drive from Saint Cloud, Minnesota. Our journey was relatively smooth, other than Ms. Gardengnome’s support hawk, Hawkeye Pierce, eating a support squirrel and vole. And even though our vehicle was soiled and gnawed to a total loss, there was a benefit. The charter company can now collect insurance and purchase a new, eco-friendly vehicle.”

“By the way, could any of you recommend a charter bus service?”

Steven Bradbury: “Ah, sorry ma’am I don’t know of any. And can the owner of this husky that’s humping my leg please retrieve him?”

Crazy-haired lady in floral muumuu: “Sir Humps-a-Lot, NO, BAD BOY!!!! How did you get up there?”

There’s a commotion among DOT staff, Sir Humps-a-Lot and that crazy lady. A pitcher of water is used to subdue the frisky animal. Eventually, silence returns, but it is soon followed by a collective groan from the audience’s back row.

Gentleman wearing velour sweat suit in audience: “Sorry, Miss Piggy gets anxious in crowds. Does anyone have a spare plastic shopping bag? Ah, make that two.”

Steven Bradbury: “Order! Order! Please continue Ms. Clarise Clarise. Can I just call you Ms. Clarise?”

Ms. Clarise Clarise: “No.”

Steven Bradbury: “Okay Ms. Clarise Clarise, we are on a tight schedule. When you’re done, we’ll hear from the airlines, service animal owners, and passengers who have been injured by unruly ESAs.”

Ms. Clarise Clarise: “Well that’s just perfect! Those darn airlines want to charge exorbitant fees to put my precious Bernese Mountain Dog, Hairy Pawter, in the cargo hold. Why should I do that when I can get an ESA document online so my fleecy wizard companion can sit at my feet?”

“Plus, those darn airlines don’t accommodate our travel companions. There are no oxygen masks or life preservers for canine, feline, fowl, reptile or other species.”

“And who are you to decide what constitutes an emotional support animal? I love my pet and am emotional about him. That makes him an emotional support animal, Right!!!”

After being startled by a rattlesnake, a mule kicks a hefty man into a brood of chickens. Hawkeye Pierce takes advantage of the commotion to attack a DOT staff member’s hairpiece. His owner later theorizes the predator mistook it for a chinchilla or beaver.

Steven Bradbury: “Order! Order!!!”

Steven Bradbury: “Ms. Clarise Clarise, we at the DOT realize there is a genuine need for emotional support animals. We do, however, believe the general public, including service animals and their owners, have rights and should not be subjected to untrained animals in such confined spaces. These are public health and safety issues. We have hundreds of documented cases of supposed ESAs injuring passengers and trained service animals. There are just as many cases of supposed ESAs damaging and soiling airplanes. These are the reasons why we’re calling for more screening of emotional support animals.”

“I think you’ve exhausted your allotted time; do you wish to make a closing statement?”

Ms. Clarise Clarise: “Bite Me!”

Steven Bradbury: “All right, we’ll now hear from service animal representatives, airline delegates, and injured passengers favoring stricter ESA oversight. Which group would like to testify first?”

The three groups huddle and talk. During the discussion, members motion toward Sir Humps-a-Lot, who is now being intimate with a granite column. After about two minutes, they select one person to talk for them.

Spokesperson for stricter oversight: “Given the testimony and events at this hearing, we have nothing more to add. Thank you.”