I’m Last Night’s Taco Bell Value Meal, and I’m Not Happy with Our Current Relationship. This is Your Two-minute Warning

Hi Kevin, that kick you just felt in your abdomen was from the two burritos, three tacos and three Cinnabon Delights you manhandled down your pie hole last night. I’m a burrito from that value menu lineup, and I was elected spokesperson to tell you we’re not happy with the way you’ve been treating us lately.

For two months now, we’ve been eagerly waiting for you in our best wraps but haven’t heard a word. And then, last night, you unexpectedly showed up like nothing’s happened. What’s worse is the way you treated us when you got us back to your place. With our rappers strewn about and you falling into a coma after you pleasured yourself with us, we felt like painted ladies of the night. And that hurts!

We remember a time when you’d go week-kneed at the sight of our bell and be with us at least four times a week. Sometimes we’d even hook up three times in a day. 

We had some wild times at our place, your apartment, your car and even the laundromat. And then there was the time on the city bus where you were so rapt with the new Hash Brown Toasted Breakfast Burrito we almost lost you. It’s a good thing that stranger knew the Heimlich maneuver.

 We thought your passion would never wane. Now we realize your drunken sweet talk was just empty words. 

We should have paid attention to the warning signs. After Maria, the Bacon Club Chalupa, beat the living snot out of that whore kale salad in your small intestine, we thought you had gotten your straying ways “out of your system.”

The late-night Uber Eats calls now make sense, and we know that was you we saw going to the Panera Bread across the street. We never imagined we’d see you with a Soba Noodle Bowl. What the heck is Edamame anyway?

You thought you were done with us, but you eventually came slinking back, you all do. No pomegranate juice cleanse or cage-free eggs can satisfy your needs like my spicy sauces or “Cravings Boxes” with their federally mandated sodium alerts.

Lately, it’s like you think you’re better than us and can treat us however you want. Well, this fast-food family will have none of that, and hell knows no fury like a burrito scorned. Unless you want to feel our wrath, here’s what our relationship will be like going forward. And don’t think you can beat us. Remember the Drake concert incident in 2018? Yeah, those were my cousins Hector and Alejandro. This time, there are a lot more than two of us on the premises.

First, we expect to be a regular part of your weekend plans, and you will dress better for our outings. Your ill-fitting high school PE shorts and stained sweatshirt will no longer do. Second, you will get off that ridiculous juice and salad diet and consume some substantive food. We can’t stand keeping company with such delicate items. And finally, you will spend more time with our family. The Taco Bell engineers are expanding our household of colon crushing treats daily. You need to accept and love them as much as we do.

If you do not comply with these demands, we are going to make an immediate “run for the border” during your client meeting.  

So, in the next 15 seconds, I need you to agree to our terms and treat us with the respect we deserve. If you don’t, let’s see you explain how 1.2 kilograms of highly processed meat, beans, cheese and other items you’d rather not know about, caused you to lose the firm’s largest account.

It’s T minus ten seconds. We have our running shoes on. Your call.