HOW THE STINKY DIVER INCIDENT TURNED ME INTO A TURTLENECK-WEARING PBS ENTHUSIAST

 

Not monitoring your child’s TV viewing can wreak havoc on your plumbing! Trust me, I’m changing to a PBS-only household for my septic safety. What follows are a crime scene and after-action report that will explain.

Day One:

2:32 pm: My lovely bride (Kathleen) was in the backyard chatting with our new neighbor (Laura). While the ladies were lost in conversation, their two four-year-old sons covertly darted up the hill to Laura’s house. Once there, our creative children decided flushing action figures down the toilet in Laura’s newly finished basement would be a grand idea.

3:17 pm: The lovely Kathleen excuses herself to check on the uncharacteristically quiet children. To her horror, she finds the boys in Laura’s basement bathroom standing over several action figures and Happy Meal toys floating in the brand-new toilet.

3:18-3:21 pm: Kate apologizes to Laura and anyone else within earshot.

3:24 pm: Laura uses an old Tupperware bowl to fish the action figures out of the toilet. With four toys now rescued, but permanently out of commission, Laura plays on a hunch and declares the basement toilet off limits until dad gets home.

6:18 pm: Rusty, Laura’s husband, has a good laugh while learning of the action figures’ aquatic adventures. Laura chides Rusty in front of the boys for laughing about the incident. Rusty continues to laugh, which makes the boys think the event even funnier.

Day Two:

11:08 am: Rusty snakes out four more action figures that were trapped deep within the recesses of the quarantined toilet. He believes he’s rescued all traumatized action figures and deems the basement toilet fit for duty.

11:34 am: Rusty knocks on Kevin’s kitchen door and presents him with the action figures sealed in a zip-lock bag. Kevin laughs while Tim is within earshot. This infuriates Kate. Kevin retires to the basement.

Day Three:

6:05 pm: A little too much sauerkraut with supper takes its toll on Russell’s (Ryan’s brother) digestive system and he retires to the basement toilet.

6:23 pm: It happens… The toilet clogs in a most horrible way and is later found to be un-plungable and un-snakable.

Day Four:

6:57 pm: Rusty invites Kevin to help fix the toilet.

7:05 pm: Kevin arrives at Rusty’s house and notices a sewer smell befouling the newly finished basement. Rusty is in an ill mood. His action figure wading pool is on its side with a plumbing snake hopelessly stuck in it.

7:45 pm: After thirty minutes of tugging, Rusty and Kevin concede they cannot free the horribly wedged snake from the toilet. Rusty is dying to know what’s lodged deep within his new toilet. Realizing the thing is a total loss, he takes a hammer to the suspected clog point, shattering the toilet.

7:45:17 pm: We have an unfortunate ricochet event, reference Day Three 6:23 pm.

7:46 pm: Rusty and Kevin discover three little green soldiers and some Hot Wheels Happy Meal thing in the broken toilet. Kevin says, “Hot Wheels leading the way!”

7:51 pm: Kevin’s gag reflex overwhelms him, so Rusty excuses him while he cleans up the mess.

Day Six:

7:40 pm: Rusty completes the installation of a new high-flow toilet. He hangs a sign over the fixture, “No Swimming Allowed.”

Post incident interrogations revealed the motivation of the two perps. The children got the idea from watching an unnamed children’s network. In one show, they had seen a character named “Stinky Diver” being flushed down a toilet… How charming.

This is what led me to see the value of an all-PBS household. In all my years watching those fundraisers that were occasionally punctuated by a program or two, I don’t remember seeing Big Bird, Clifford, or anyone else flush anything down a toilet. And I certainly don’t remember any cartoon characters from my youth taking the nasty plunge. Speed Racer and every member of the Voltron team would never allow themselves to be filmed near a restroom. Cartoon characters had standards and strong unions back then.

The worst thing I could see happening with my limited viewing options would be my son phoning in a pledge. Even if he did, at least I’d have a tote bag or Teddy Roosevelt Chia Pet to show for my patronage as opposed to a bag of Stinky Divers.

I’m afraid this story may not end here. Our guest bathroom toilet has been flushing slowly and easy to clog for some time. I have a horrible feeling there may be a Power Ranger action figure trapped in there valiantly battling the effects of a diet far too rich in chocolate milk, Little Debbie Snacks and Cocoa Puffs.

I’ll keep you updated on that one.

***No Action figures were defiled in the making of this article***