Call Now for My Patented Dad Discipline Program. Guaranteed to Humiliate your Kids into Obedience in 1 Month or Less

Have you ever been at your wits’ end trying to get your children to behave or do simple tasks? My Dad Discipline Program has the tools to help you coerce your offspring into obedience. Here are just a few of my scientifically proven methods that will have your children writhing in despair or cringing with embarrassment.

• Get your groove on in public
  • By far, my favorite and most effective, probably because I’m so bad. While using this step, you want to be as unrhythmic and spasmodic as possible. Take it to a level just short of someone calling an EMT because they fear you’re having a medical seizure.
• Make carpool with their friends sing-along time
  • Start with 80s techno-pop songs, but if you really want to make it hurt, switch to show tunes. Be sure to lower the windows and emphatically belt it out while driving slowly to or through the following locations: your neighborhood, school, sporting/club events, junior prom, etc.
• Make car fixing miserable
  • Guess what kiddies, there isn’t an app to fix your vehicle. You may have to get dirty or ask dad to squeeze his middle-aged paunch under the beast. And if neither of you are skilled with a wrench, you’ll have to rely on dad’s wisdom to find a reasonable mechanic to get your mobile music library moving again.
• “Accidentally” discontinue their data plan
  • This one is sooooo much fun. Enjoy the drama because this is their most sensitive pressure point. Feign ignorance of how it happened and claim you’re working on it while you’re actually binging on Clint Eastwood films.
• Start a woodworking project at 7:05 am on a Saturday
  • You don’t have to build anything. Your sole goal is to make an incredible amount of noise with your power tools while not severing any fingers.
• Driving 47 mph in the left lane
  • Leave your left turn signal on and critique other drivers while shouting phrases like:
    • “Jesus, Mary and Joseph!”
    • “Why don’t you go have another beer with your skateboarding buddies!”
    • “Where’s the Fire!”
• A run to the Home Depot or AutoZone
  • Drag them through teen purgatory, where childhood dreams go to die. Take your time in the Depot’s “fasteners” aisle and get into lengthy discussions about grub control in the lawn care section.
  • Explain the inner workings of the internal combustion engine at AutoZone and watch your middle son’s gag reflex kick in from the overpowering smell of new tire rubber.
• Lean into the dad jokes
  • Pick some horribly played out material from five years ago and wait until your child is with a large group of their most cherished friends. Draw out the telling because you’re struggling to hold back laughter and then bust a gut to the point of tears when you’re done, acting like it’s the most original thing you’ve ever heard.
• Spruce up your wardrobe
  • Need I say more? Nothing terrorizes a youngling’s heart more than an exaggerated and hearty greeting from their dad dressed in his “flasher” raincoat and a warm hat. There are countless awkward options for the hat, get creative with it.
  • Poorly fitted garments emblazoned with their baby pictures is always an option.
• Watch TV in your heart-pattern boxers and a torn t-shirt two sizes too small during their sleepover.
  • Explain that you worked hard all day and don’t want to further wear out your good pants, which actually makes perfect sense.
  • To top off the scene, make a sweeping hand gesture toward your body while saying, “If you don’t want to enjoy this glorious temple, then stay the hell out of my family room!”

These are just a few of my course’s methods. You’ve probably unwittingly used some of them before, my system will show you how to master and exploit them. Call now and you’ll receive our full training program and be connected to your personal Humiliation Coach.

The power is within you to make your children cringe into obedience, harness it now!

This article first appeared on the Frazzled parenting humor site.

Thanks Andrew!