THE ANTIASS UNIT: Saving America One Banana Hammock at a Time

A bedraggled, middle-aged man drags his garbage can up from the curb. He’s wearing short, baggy jorts (homemade jean shorts) and a tank top t-shirt. Partway up the driveway, the denim fashionista starts to squat while emptying rain from his can. Your brain knows the hazard of him spreading his legs in such a revealing ensemble, but you’re horrified and can’t break your stare. Before he gets halfway down, a van screeches to a stop and three men jump out to help the gentleman back to an upright position. Visual crisis averted. You let out a sigh of relief, thankful you live in a world where diligent authorities monitor and prevent such graphic catastrophes.

Unfortunately, that world doesn’t exist, and those professionals weren’t there for me last week. In my situation, Calamity Jorts made it to a full squat, and I saw some of “it,” a little of “them” and all the surrounding vegetation.

This should not be! To keep other innocent citizens from suffering similar eye agony, I have a plan, it’s called the ANTIASS (Adult Nuisance Tactical Intervention And Special Services) unit. Let me explain.

The ANTIASS unit will be comprised of two arms. The Special Services section will attack the disease (Indutus Confidentia) that causes this clueless behavior. They will develop and air PSAs on the History Channel to convince practical men over the age of 40 to stop repurposing their tattered clothing and displaying too much flesh. The first ad will describe the illness while showing its insidious and degenerative nature. The spot will start with a 30-year-old, well-dressed man having a ball in a nightclub and then show him slowly transforming as he descends into the disease. The final shot will be of the man rearranging his nuts and bolts drawer in his garage while wearing “sworts” (sweatpants shorts) and a Members Only jacket. “Don’t let this happen to you. Call our hotline for help now,” will be the parting plea.

Special Services will also man these counseling hotlines. Hopefully, consistent therapy can cure those in the onset phase and prevent them from developing other correlated issues, such as hoarding “good sturdy boxes” and sending tips to Readers Digest on how to make birdhouses out of random crap in their basements.

PSAs and therapy may help some lost souls, but we must face the fact that many cannot be saved. Years of domestication, WW II documentaries, obsessive lawn care and disturbingly clean garages have bred countless social filters out of the terminally pragmatic. Because of this, we need legislation, for their good and ours.

I propose we enact the Loose Jorts Act, named after the incident that killed a good part of my soul. Here’s how the law would work. If a responsible citizen sees a man flashing some butt crack while working on his car or a pasty, shirtless man of generous girth mowing the lawn or an exceptionally hairy, Speedo adorned chap swinging his trouser snake on the beach or any other seasoned gentleman in a disturbing getup,  they can call the AntiAss Hotline (800 ANT-IASS). This is when the tactical arm (Adult Nuisance Tactical Intervention) will be deployed.

This highly mobile, quick reaction unit will be humane and use PSYOPS (psychological operations) as their main weapon. They’ll dress as awkwardly as their targets and first engage them in friendly conversation openers like, “I hear bulk pickup day in this neighborhood is a gold mine,” or “Where’s the nearest Home Depot, the chickweed is killing me this year.” The squad members will then entice the perps into their van with promises of free flip phones, discounted expired bakery products, and complimentary pens and baseball caps. The van will contain an array of plaids, Dacron/cotton blends, Hawaiian prints, pleated jeans and, of course, velour sweat suits. All garments will cover the men in a socially responsible manner.

While showcasing these pearls of fashion at “warehouse prices,” the team will try to convince the gentlemen to switch to these more modest, public-friendly outfits. All perps will have to sign a contract to not modify or cut down their new clothes for two years, punishable by cancellation of their Valpak and local paper deliveries. All traded in garments will be incinerated on site.

Some people may cry about the loss of civil liberties or the program’s cost, but I think the public well-being far outweighs the drawbacks. With the ANTIASS unit and our slogan “Take a Bite Out of Jorts!” I know we can make a difference!